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Welcome to The Dilemma, where psychologist Jacqui Manning offers advice on your ethical questions and moral dilemmas. This week she delves into whether not inviting a friend’s partner to your wedding is ethically wrong.
Question: I’m getting married in November and I’m so excited – I’ve been planning for more than a year, and it’s going to be a dream wedding. The problem is I’m refusing to invite my best friend’s long-term partner, who I can’t stand. I truly believe he is emotionally abusive and has put my friend through hell, and I don’t want him there ruining my big day. But my friend is devastated, and is threatening to boycott the event. Should I just suck it up and invite him to keep the peace? – Ellie, Tasmania
Answer: Ah weddings … so much joy, so many decisions and with each one, a potential dilemma on your hands. While some brides have the luxury of feeling overwhelmed at the choices of their floral table arrangements, your preparations involve a real-life bona fide dilemma and I’m feeling for you right now as there are no easy answers here.
It sounds like your bestie is very well aware of your feelings towards her partner and you’ve managed to navigate your own connection well until now.
Even though she knows how you generally feel, have you described to her your specific worries about him attending on your special day? For example, are you worried he will be more obnoxious than usual after taking advantage of the free-flowing champagne as he always misbehaves when he’s drunk?
Given his behaviour towards your friend, are you worried he will somehow humiliate or upset her on the day making her go on an emotional rollercoaster when you want her there celebrating your happiness? Is it a general feeling that his toxic energy will somehow infuse your nuptials with a negative vibe?
You and your husband-to-be are well within your rights to create the day as you wish it to be and to have someone there who will distract your focus from this most important time is a problem for you. She sounds like she has made her feelings clear that she wants him to be there and to not have him invited is a problem for her.
Is she a part of your bridal party? Will she have jobs and other things to do on the day that will keep her busy? This may be part of your explanation to her as to why it’s so important he isn’t there, as he’s even worse when he’s at a loose end.
Do you know how he feels about you? Given your strong feelings towards him, is there the possibility that he wouldn’t want to go anyway?
To invite or not to invite is a question only you can answer and I’m not here to tell you what to do, but you do have to prepare yourself that she may choose not to attend. She is currently in the position of feeling like she has to choose you or him which is adding to her stress levels.
Let’s look at both scenarios. If you stick to your guns, this could be an opportunity for some rock star boundary setting from you. Where you say you love your friend so much that you hate seeing her in the position of being abused by this man and you simply cannot have that painful dynamic around you on your wedding day. It’s tough love for sure, but perhaps it could be the seed that finally takes root for her so she can believe she deserves more than what he’s offering.
At some deep level, she would realise this is also a painful decision for you and if you’re making a stand on such an important day that maybe she starts to review her relationship and gain some confidence to recognise his abuse patterns and reach out for help.
On the other hand, if you suck it up and invite him to soothe her distress, what can you do to mitigate his impact on your day? Can you word up a friend to shadow him to check in on his drinking levels, that he’s hydrated and eaten so he’s less likely to be belligerent? And if he does x or y behaviour that you have the right to ask him to leave (getting your shadowing friend to take this action on your behalf of course)?
Neither scenario is simple nor guaranteed to leave you feeling completely at ease and I’m sorry you have to consider this during the preparations for your day of love. But you love her and it’s important to consider this from every angle.
Another heart to heart together is an important step, with a neutral person there to mediate if you think that could be helpful. Write down your concerns that you can talk through with her or that she can read and digest and then you discuss together.
Many people carry the belief that we must make everyone happy, or everyone must like us. This is of course not possible, and in this scenario, you’re going to be making someone unhappy on the day. I guess the question for you is to weigh up whether it will be yourself or her that you choose.
Jacqui Manning is The Friendly Psychologist.
Do you have an ethical dilemma? Email riah.matthews@news.com.au with subject line The Dilemma
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